Carrie Prejean is an American hero. And I mean that honestly. Not just an American hero, but a saint. She could be canonized. Now I know you’re saying, Mark, that is a ridiculous assertion, she’s a bigoted figure on the national scene who happens to be a beauty queen. But I beg of you, look deeper. Look past the initial appearances. Carrie Prejean is a patron saint.

Have you ever met a girl who is very physically attractive, but so dumb and convinced of her opinions because nobody has taken the time to pull her aside and tell her that she’s an idiot? Carrie Prejean is the ultimate example of that.

Have you ever met a Christian girl who pretends to be so, so good, but really just wants to send you naked pictures of herself to see your reaction? Carrie Prejean is the ultimate example of that.

Have you ever wondered why 20-somethings who look like they’re 40 and condescending are often presented in beauty pageants? Carrie Prejean is the ultimate example of that.

Have you ever met someone who blinks a lot when they’re annoyed, but then smiles and pretends like she’s not annoyed?

Have you ever met someone who blames her problems on other people whenever they arise, and eventually settles on everything being a conspiracy against her, orchestrated by the gays? Carrie Prejean is the ultimate example of that. But Carrie Prejean has one asset. She is mildly attractive. Let’s hate-fuck her with our eyes.